According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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