We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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