He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
