I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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