i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
