Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There's even glitter on my cock...
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