My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
