I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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