My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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