So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
