Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
