So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
