woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
