We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
