Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
