remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
