I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
