Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
