Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
