Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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