did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
