Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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