I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
