how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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