this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
