i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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