I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
