You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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