Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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