ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
