So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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