in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
