That's intense
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize