I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
