the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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