I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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