I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
