She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
