Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
