I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
