my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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