Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
