I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
