I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
