just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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