I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
