Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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