It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
