You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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