After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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