DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
