I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
