My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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