im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
