Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize