Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
