I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
