so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
