I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
