that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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