Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize