She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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