I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
